The sun has gone and babies have ceased to be born; normal news service has been resumed. We step forth into the news miasma in a funny t-shirt and try and have a giggle about it…
The Home Office Immigrant Catch-A-Long Live Extravaganza
There’s a cosmic law that dictates just when you think things can’t get any worse, they probably will. Although it’s not a real law proven by science or research (funding is notoriously hard to gain for research projects designed to support arguments in satirical blog posts), the continued efforts of politicians over the years have proven that whatever you think is the lowest ebb, there’s more than likely a couple of leagues further to descend yet.
Take the Home Office, for example. Last week, they decided to roam the streets of London in a scary van, trying to get non-English speakers to ‘go home’ with an entirely-in-English billboard. It was a thinly-veiled political point-scoring exercise, but at least they weren’t rounding people up and using the exercise as entertainment for the Mail-reading masses.
No, it turns out they were saving that for this week! For one glorious day, the normally incredibly dull Home Office Twitter account was taken over by a manifestation of Mail and Express readers’ fantasies, live tweeting a count of how many immigrants they had arrested that day using the hashtag #immigrantoffenders.
Except, of course, none of the people they arrested were offenders – not yet, at least. They were suspected offenders but the hashtag and language used in the tweets (a couple of tweets conveniently missed out the word ‘suspected’ before immigration offenders) suggested it was a closed case. This was trial by Twitter, and everyone arrested was guilty as charged.
Beyond the potential legal implications of such actions, this was political point-scoring at its horrific worst, a shocking indictment into the Orwellian levels politicians will go to in order to win over a misinformed portion of the nation who are led to believe that illegal immigrants live in Edwardian mansions and would rob food off the plates of English children if they could by a media whose only objective is to make money and grab more power for themselves.
Is this really what it’s come to? Do we not only need to be told action will be taken but see it in all its ugliness too, tweeted about triumphantly like it’s some kind of great victory for the nation as a whole? Is this what British politics has come to?
If it is, then stop the world please – we want to get off.
Frack off, Lord Howell
It’s not just people from other nations that our Government holds contempt for either; it’s people from the upper half of the country too. Lord Howell of Guildford, the father-in-law of none other than beloved Chancellor George ‘Gideon’ Osborne, took to the House of Lords to announce that the North East was ‘desolate’ and that ‘fracking’ there would be hunky dory because who gives a damn about that hellhole anyway?
Fracking, in case you aren’t aware, is the process of drilling the ground to release shale gas and is the last ditch attempt of humanity to waste what few natural resources we have left before the lights go out and we start living in caves and driving cars made of rocks with our feet again. Previous attempts at fracking in the UK have been halted due to the process having the unfortunate side effect of causing earthquakes. Fracking has also been known to cause turn tap water into a blazing inferno, as illustrated in the video below.
But don’t worry about that because the North is a total wasteland, isn’t it? Just look at it!
Our eyes have been sick just from looking at those pictures. Drill it, Dave! Drill it into oblivion!
Leave Silvio alone!
Silvio Berlusconi is angry and upset because he’s been finally been convicted of a crime in a court of law. He’s so angry and upset, in fact, that he’s released a video about it. Current opinions state that it’s not as funny as that bloke who got upset about Britney Spears and that Silvio’s choice of decor is particularly drab, especially for a man who hosts ‘bunga-bunga’ parties.
Either way, after 50 or so trials for a veritable range of potential crimes over the past 20 years, Silvio’s finally off to jail for tax evasion. Well, he’s been sentenced to a year of jail anyway. He doesn’t actually have to go because he’s quite old now, and he can serve it in his house if he wants. The legalities of holding said ‘bunga-bunga’ parties while under house arrest are still being examined.
Prince Andrew fights a mutant
And finally, a bit of post-apocalyptic drama courtesy of Liz Windsor. Files released this week have revealed the text of a speech prepared should Britain have ever engaged in nuclear warfare with the Soviet Union and kicked off World War III. Surprisingly, it consists of a bit more than the Queen sitting in front of an irradiated Buckingham Palace, telling everyone they’re buggered and providing tips on how to fight off rabid mutants trying to steal your babies for food.
In fact, it’s a little bit inspiring, what with the mentions of Britain’s unbreakable will and spirit. Then she goes and mentions that the only thing standing between us and nuclear annihilation is Prince Andrew…ah.
In another file released from the archive, Maggie Thatcher does a terrific bit of foreshadowing by calling the appointment of William Hague as a ‘gimmick’ and an ‘embarrassment’. Quite, Maggie.
So that’s that. We hope you’ve enjoyed our take on the news and that maybe we’ve even instilled a bit of hope in humanity for you too. We’ll be back to systematically destroy your renewed hope next week.