In today’s WTF?!, we contend with the very real possibility of a world without bankers, tactfully negotiate the stormy seas of libel, consider how love is the ultimate weapon against space invaders and discuss the latest controversy to engulf the Catholic Church – mass brawls.
A World Without Bankers
Bankers are a beloved British institution; who can forget the time they managed to mess running RBS and Northern Rock up so much that we all had to bail them out and make them promise not to do it again? Silly bankers! Or when they managed to ‘mis-sell’ thousands of people a product they didn’t actually need, giving rise to possibly the most irritating industry ever? D’oh! Or what about when they got caught accidently money laundering for various drug cartels? Oops!
So it was with great sadness this week that Red Molotov learnt that the UK and Europe may lose these delightful lights of our lives thanks to a new EU ruling that will cap bankers’ bonuses at a measly single year’s salary – that’s one year’s pay on top of what they already get paid. What an insult!
Faced with such abject poverty, bankers in ‘the city’ – you know, that winners parade of all that is right with capitalism – have their diamond-encrusted toys at the ready to launch out of their snakeskin and child’s tears-lined prams before buggering off somewhere they’ll be more financially appreciated for their…erm…’talents’.
This has got David Cameron (who else?) all tearful and needy, leaving him tugging on the Gucci-trousered legs of the fatcats and begging them not to leave, so much so that he’s actively opposed the Vickers plan and has been trying to convince other EU members to do the same, which went as well as it always does when Dave tries to convince our European friends to do anything. The Vickers plan could result in the the banking talent that managed to lose RBS £5.2bn in a year yet still took £600m in bonuses for their trouble being lost forever, Dave argues.
A world without bankers – just imagine it. Taxpayers would have no certain investments made on their behalf in businesses as well run as the Royal Bank of Scotland. Grieving fish would be reunited with their children as the world’s caviar demand dropped dramatically, while the French region of Champagne would presumably descend into anarchy as its residents face financial oblivion.
But what really worries us about a world without bankers is just how perfect it may be. Anger at their latest misstep would be replaced by contentment and serenity. Satirical t-shirts would go unmade. The weekly WTF column would be filled with pictures of kittens and smiling children. We ask you, is that a world you really want to live in? You do? Oh, right.
Negotiating the Legal Minefield
When reading over the latest WTF, Red Molotov’s entirely fictional lawyers took gasped deeply. ‘You can’t write that’, they said, when perusing our coverage of the collective sex-based scandals (scandi?) currently engulfing Cardinal Keith O’Brien and ex-Liberal Democrat Lord Rennard.
‘What?’, we questioned back, ‘we can’t suggest that the allegations against the ex-Cardinal are yet another example of some in the Catholic Church preaching ‘do what we say not as we do’ and that the world of politics is possibly more sex-obsessed than the collective works of the ‘Carry On’ cast?’
To which they responded, ‘yes, don’t write that…and don’t reproduce this entirely fictional conversation either’. Ah…
A Journey To Mars, Powered by Love Alone
If you were to send a crew up to explore Mars – that’s Mars, where the terrifying face-hugging, chest-bursting antagonists of Aliens almost certainly exist – who would you choose? A selection of super-soldiers and a couple of well-meaning scientists who will inevitably clash when we finally make contact with extraterrestrial beings and provide some kind of comment on the ultimately destructive nature of man? Trained astronauts? Or Dave and Jenny, the well-meaning but irritating couple from next door?
If you answered either of the first two then congratulations, you’re completely wrong. In a move that we’re not entirely convinced isn’t the setup for some god-awful US sitcom, Dennis Tito – a multi-millionaire rocket scientist rather than a US network executive, apparently – is planning to stick a couple in a cramped rocket, shoot them off to Mars and hopefully get them back to Earth before they murder each other over those geek t-shirts left on the airlock floor again.
Apparently, the power of love will be able to see the lucky couple through where others have failed; you might recall the Mars 500 experiment, where 6 trained astronauts entered isolation and emerged depressed, isolated and feeling like they’d lost track of time completely – which some cynics may guffaw is exactly what happens after 20 years of marriage.
We’re more inclined to believe, however, that the plan is actually a ploy to deter potential alien invaders who, upon hearing the 900th argument about whose turn it is to wash up, will retreat into the furthest reaches of space just so they never have to see another human again. The power of love; the ultimate weapon against extraterrestrial threats.
Another Crisis For The Catholic Church
Pope Benedict XVI’s last day on the job, far from being a day fraught with the danger of getting knocked off a few minutes from retiring and inspiring his successor to embark on a 120-minute long campaign of vengeance against his slayers, was a relatively low-key affair in which Joe probably kicked back, took off his hat and staged a WWF-style Royal Rumble in one of God’s own houses in St. Helen’s.
It’s the only reason we can think of for the bizarre 30+ man brawl that allegedly took place at the Holy Cross Church, representing yet another crisis for the beleaguered Catholic Church. Another crisis that Joseph Ratzinger no longer gives a damn about as he walks out of the Vatican office doors for the last time and embarks upon…a quiet life of prayer as Pope Emeritus. You never truly retire, do you?
More Papal Lunacy
Finally, it would be remiss of us not to mention the bizarre but extraordinarily appealing suggestion from a bishop (probably) on Radio Five Live yesterday that the new Pope should display an act of penance with regard to the victims of sexual abuse by members of the clergy.
That act of penance? He should wash their feet, just as Jesus washed the feet of his disciples before the Last Supper. Man, that’d be good TV.
So that was this week’s ‘WTF’ – quite uplifting for once, wasn’t it? Don’t count on it being the same next week, though…in fact, we’d kindly suggest you invest in some funny tees to keep you smiling through it. You know, just in case…