For a fleeting moment, we at Red Molotov thought we might not have anything to write about for this week’s edition of ‘WTF?’. After all, the good men and women who rule our fair nation finally realised this week that we live in the 21st century (well, most of them…) and decided to let anyone who happens to be in love with someone else enter into definitely-holy-and-by-no-means-sullied-by-divorce-and-adultery matrimony.
Luckily, societal justice victories aside, there was plenty of weird, wonderful and downright exasperating stories for us to sink our teeth into this week. Hooray!
‘How To Avoid A Driving Ban’ by Chris Huhne
Imagine a Kafkaesque scenario in which the nation collectively woke up to find that their cars had been seized and everyone had to rely on their own feet and public transport to get around. It’d be awful, wouldn’t it?
One man who knew just how awful it would be to be without a car is disgraced former MP Chris Huhne. Disgraced former MP (for that is now his prefix until time itself ceases to exist) Chris Huhne is a keen driver and would most definitely not like to have to share a seat on the bus with a regular pleb. He’s probably the kind of man who puts his bag on the other seat to prevent this from happening, in all honesty.
Unfortunately for disgraced former MP Chris Huhne, he also enjoys speeding and, no matter what Jeremy Clarkson may tell you about communist speed camera conspiracies, speeding is illegal.
Disgraced former MP Chris Huhne was so good at speeding that he’d already clocked up 9 points on his license and was about to hit the high score of 12 when he was clocked speeding way back in 2003. Finally, he was going to get the recognition he deserved for his speeding efforts.
However, disgraced former MP Chris Huhne was at an impasse; should he reach 12 points, his driving license would be taken away from him, presumably because he’s too awesome at driving and definitely not because his stupidity on the roads makes him a risk to public safety. Faced with a choice between being banned from driving forever or staying on 9 points, Huhne had an epiphany; what if I could speed AND not get banned? And what if I shared this information with my constituents and subjects via the medium of an elaborate public shambles spanning 10 years?
And share that information with us he did.
Step one: get your wife to take the blame and thus the points. She may not actually look like you, she may be entirely innocent and you may even love her enough to be slightly concerned about getting her into trouble with the law but who cares? Her love for you makes her the perfect human points shield. You’ll probably end up having an affair with your pretty PR adviser anyway. Perverting the course of justice? What’s that?
Step two: forget about the whole scenario for ten years and forge a brilliant political career. People might even think you’re one of the nice ones.
Step three: if someone finds out, deny everything. If charged with perverting the course of justice, deny everything. If your son sends you pleading text messages asking you to stop being such a pig-headed tosser, say no. Maybe resign from your cabinet post or something.
Step four: go to trial for perverting the course of justice. Deny everything. Try and get case chucked out. If that fails, admit everything.
As a result, you too can lose your wife, distance yourself from your children, more or less destroy any semblance of credibility you may have once had and also face a nice long stretch in jail. Still, at least you got out of those 3 points, eh?
The King Under A Car Park
Good news for fans of class equality; King Richard III, the psychopathic lead of William Shakespeare’s Richard III who also happened to be an actual king, was found buried under a car park in Leicester this week. Proof, if ever it was needed, that no matter how much money we have, how many houses we might own or how many people we ‘rule’ over, we could all potentially end up buried in Leiceste- sorry, a car park.
Space is Trying To Kill Us
Space; we all go around wearing science t-shirts declaring how much we love it, we make TV programmes about how wondrous it is and we even commission our finest former rock stars (and the guy from D:Ream) to study it and how does it repay us? By hurtling bloody great cosmic storms and asteroids at us, that’s how.
In a double-whammy of terrifying cosmic doom, scientists told us all to forget about horse burgers and lying MPs and start worrying about coronal mass ejections from the Sun ruining satellites and knocking out power lines and GPS signals as well as a huge asteroid that’s going to narrowly miss us on February 15th, much to the disappointment of people who forgot it was Valentine’s Day the day before and are still receiving an ear-bashing for it.
The good news is that Britain, in a blow to ongoing efforts to convince Eastern Europeans not to come here, is actually pretty well prepared for a solar superstorm. While we’d probably lose Sky TV and the ability to buy music t-shirts from Red Molotov for a couple of days (because that’s what you’d all miss really, isn’t it?), our antiquated mobile network doesn’t rely on GPS for timing. A victory for British engineering if ever we saw one.
North Korea Defeated By A Copyright Claim
The latest from the Axis of Evil – a week after Iran seemingly cemented our simian-based doom, North Korea decided to release a video depicting an alternate end for Western civilisation. The short film depicts a North Korean man in space, watching over the world to the soothing sound of Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie’s ‘We Are The World’ while missiles rain down on an unnamed US city that looks more than a bit like New York.
Unfortunately for North Korea, their attempts at intimidation were soon thwarted. Not by the US government but Activision, the company behind Prince Harry’s war simulator of choice, ‘Call of Duty’. Activision were none too pleased about the fact that North Korea had pilfered scenes from their franchise for the video and slapped an entire nation down with a single copyright notice.
So there you have it, another week down and only however many weeks it is until space finally decides it’s had enough of this nonsense and shoots a cosmic death ray at us to go. Might as well make the most of it and buy a few novelty t-shirts to cheer yourself up until then, eh?